Healing the Sister Wound & Embracing Sisterhood

Patriarchy isn’t just men screwing over women. It's also women screwing over women (yay! 😭). Many of us carry what's called the sister wound – and may not even realize it.

Take a moment to reflect. Have you ever…

• silently judged other women for how they behave or dress?
• labeled another woman (or yourself) as too much?
• automatically thought of beautiful or successful women as shallow or mean?
• tried real hard to prove you're "not like the other girls"?
• felt like you cannot trust other women, or thought you "just don't get along with women"?

For quite some time, that was 100% me. Looking back, I can honestly see how I was a bit of a pick me. Girly sounded like a nightmare, and I really wanted to be the "cool" one, the one hanging out with the guys.

In many ways, I felt like I didn't belong with other women. Apart from being a head taller than most of them, I've always had more masculine energy, which made me feel out of place among women who seemed softer and more emotionally attuned.

So I did what many of us do when we don’t feel accepted: I rejected women. But actually, what I was rejecting was my own femininity. And that led me to miss out on some of the most powerful connections out there: sisterhood.

Finally recognizing and healing the sister wound has been a blessing, one I'm eager to share with you. So this post is dedicated to exploring the sister wound: how it shows up, why we've been conditioned that way and how we can learn to embrace sisterhood instead.

What is the sister wound?

The sister wound manifests as distrust, competition, or disconnection between women.

When did we learn to see other women as rivals, not sisters? It's a pattern that often starts early in life, as we become conditioned to compete and compare rather than connect. 

Underneath it, usually, isn't ill will, but a deep fear of not being good enough. Of not belonging. 

So, we project our own insecurity onto others: the woman with the loud, confident laugh becomes “too much,” the soft one “too emotional,” the show-stoppingly gorgeous one “slutty,” the successful CEO “bitchy.” We put others down to elevate ourselves. Backstabbing, gossiping, fake niceness, pick-me behavior are all expressions of the sister wound. It's the mean girls' 101. 

You may have been the one engaging in it, or the one affected by it. One way or the other, the wounds run deep. 

And yes, these behaviors often mask unhealed aspects of ourselves. Pay close attention to what you judge in others: it often reveals what you struggle to accept in yourself.

Psychologically, the sister wound is a protective response: our minds and bodies are trying to keep us safe from rejection by distancing us from the very connection we crave.

Because, actually, deep down, we want to feel safe with other women. To experience trust and community. To feel held by sisterhood.

Yet, for as long as we do not heal it, the sister wound keeps us away from precisely that.

Where the sister wound comes from

At its core, the sister wound is an inheritance of patriarchy. Historically, women had limited access to just about everything: power, safety, rights, and resources. As a woman, your survival depended on male approval, naturally leading to competition with one another.

Being beautiful, or being the "good one", gave you higher chances of getting married, to not end up a spinster or left behind socially. Doing everything in your power to be "chosen" was a survival mechanism, because basically, a woman on her own was nothing.

Today, we live in a different world. There's no need to win anyone's approval. There's enough for everyone, and you can thrive very well on your own as a woman. (Ironically, not getting married actually seems to be the better choice regarding your economical and physical well-being.)

Yet, those ancestral patterns still play out. It's programming that's hard to get rid of: you may have inherited that voice from you very own mother and grandmother. It's taught you to compare your looks, your body, your success. We see it in movies, in the way women talk about each other, in the magazines that forever remind us we're not enough.

It's scarcity thinking at its best. "If she has it, there's less for me."

You can’t heal programming you don’t see. But once you do, you hold the power to rewrite it.

How to heal the sister wound

You're here. That's the first step. Healing always begins with awareness.

1. Start by observing

Before you can heal the sister wound, you need to understand how it affects you. As you go about your day, pay attention to your thoughts when you interact with other women, or even just witness them. Does your inner voice speak lovingly about them? Or harshly?

You can also journal about your past experiences. When was the first time you remember feeling left out, judged, or compared to another girl? How did the women around you relate to each other? And... the big question: How does all of that make you feel?

2. Embrace abundance

As explained above, the sister wound thrives on scarcity. As long as you believe there's not enough for all of us, it cannot be healed.

Your success doesn’t take away from mine, and mine doesn’t threaten yours. Just because you acknowledge someone else's beauty doesn't make you any less beautiful (if anything, your kindness makes you more beautiful). When one woman rises, she expands what’s possible for everyone else.

Our thoughts shape our reality. So we need to learn to reframe them.

3. Reject the script we've been taught

Healing the sister wound will ask you to face your insecurities, and to let go of the messaging we've been instilled from early on.

Why is it that you judge her beauty? Do you not see any in yourself?
Why is it that you envy her success? Do you not believe in your own capacity to succeed?
Why do you whisper about her confidence? Doesn't a part of you wish you had the same courage to be seen?

The sister wound isn't really about her. It's about you. When you feel secure in who you are, another woman’s light doesn’t threaten you. But when you carry insecurity, other women become a mirror reflecting everything you’re afraid you lack.

Again, I want to stress that this is not your fault. We've been conditioned to feel insecure, conditioned to compete. Just realizing how messed up that is can do wonders in gaining back our self-confidence.

As that wonderful quote goes: "In a society that profits from your self-doubt, liking yourself is a rebellious act." (Caroline Caldwell)

4. Find safe spaces with other women

Who are the women in your life you can trust fully? Who can you be vulnerable with? Who always has your back? Those are the women to hold on to. If you don't have those women in your life (yet), be open for others to become that kind of sister to you – don't shut the doors before you even have a chance of getting to know each other.

Not every woman is going to be your favorite person, of course. And you'll meet many women still operating in the sister wound who might hurt you. But what we want is to remove that judgment that whispers negative things before we even know her. Be part of the change. The more women stop buying into that voice, the more we change the narrative.

If you've previously avoided women-dominated spaces, actively seek them out. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but we can rewire our brains to feel safe among other women.

You might also benefit from joining a women's circle: they exist for exactly this kind of work. For open sharing, non-judgmental witnessing of each other, and supporting each other, simply because we are women and all in this together.

5. Be a girl's girl

As you slowly heal your relationship with other women, learn to actively support them. The world is already difficult enough for women – we really don't need to make it even harder for ourselves.

I have my place in this world. So do you. We all shine differently. So why not celebrate each other? Why not lift each other up instead of tearing each other down?

Try it. You'll quickly see: that kind of energy feels so much nicer than judging.

What's on the other side

When healed, the sister wound becomes sisterhood.

In the past, I used to walk into conversations with other women with that harsh inner voice, the voice of the sister wound, talking very loudly, especially if someone embodied everything I was not. These days, I try to actually meet people instead of projecting onto them. 

I had to relearn to see other women as wonderful, even when they're different from me, learn to appreciate them as the powerhouses they really are, instead of looking down on them. Often, the things I was rejecting were just what I had not been able to claim for myself yet.

And you know what I’ve learned? Women are so. damn. wonderful. (I've more than once felt guilty for judging someone. But I've learned to ignore that voice, and over time, it's gotten much quieter.)

Today, when I think "good for you," I genuinely mean it. I want the women around me to succeed. I see our unique strengths, and I see how I have a place among them. And, as I once saw so wonderfully put on social media, I "healed so hard I like pink again". 

No, I no longer want to be not like the other girls. I want to be one of them. Because, honestly, they're magical.